The Clean Slate

Clean Slate

I was happy to meet them again. Was excited to some extent, honestly, the company of good friends always makes me feel better. I expected them also to be there but I had decided to not hold any grudge against anybody and just take it easy. This was my natural reflex system at its best which ensures that people don’t affect me negatively ever.

So, I entered their place with my usual exuberance, all prepared to celebrate the birthday party. The hosts as expected gave a warm welcome. As I met the hosts, my eyes fell upon them. There was a visible palpation at both of the sides. Still, a hesitant hello softened with a layer of fake smile followed. Voila, It was not too bad for a start. Soon, the glasses were full with the diluted Bourbon whisky, glasses clinking with a vociferous cheers. Another quick round followed amid casual chit chats. They were around all this while and it seemed that the cautious and hesitant approach has automatically become a new protocol for any bonding, if it existed, between us. I didn’t know who expected what. Well, sorry for my naivety, but even in the first place I never expected a small incident to go out of proportions that way. So, I held to myself and didn’t bother much. The party continued.

People never believed me when I told them that it’s not the spirits but it’s the real and usual me who happens to be the loud, somewhat crazy, overly extrovert and the go-getter fellow. The influence of spirits on the other hand brings forth the inner most person, who is, a loner, lost in the melancholic renditions of Mohd Rafi, scarred at many places, soft and easily vulnerable. I told them also over a telephonic conversation after the incident that don’t blame my inebriated state of mind because what ever happened, the onus was on me, who was fully conscious of everything that took place. So, I was 5 pegs down now and the same vulnerable insider crawled back into my head. After a very long time, I lost my connection with myself. The insider had come out, right there visible on my face. I struggled to kick him back in as I don’t like others to reveal my weaker self. But, it was all abortive. I remember that after a very long time I had tried to feel drunk. So be it. Every small memory of that otherwise brilliant party night came right there in front of my eyes. Every word spoken or unspoken appeared. I could see the abrupt appearance of creases over my forehead. There were questions everywhere. I had answers of every damn question and I urged to answer them right there on everybody’s face. The excessively gathered energy in the absence of an apt vent had started destroying my brain cells. Pretty soon, I could not withstand them. I could feel their presence everywhere and I was getting negatively affected. The more I got affected, the angrier I got, for I was never so weak to be perturbed so easily. Let it go…..could not. So, I decided to leave.

The disturbed sleep went for a few hours and then finally I decided to wake up. The morning tea and breakfast sandwiches, magnificent start of a bright sunny day. Unfortunately, my brain was still stuck in the same thoughts. I was wondering what should be the right way ahead. The story teller in me wondered what should be the right ending of the story. Perplexed, as I was, sat in my couch for some time looking at nowhere. Suddenly, my truly better half, as she knows me and understands me, turned on some music. Came out the beautiful words and I started humming with Lata ji….lag ja gale, ki phir yeh haseen raat ho na ho. Shayad phir is janam mein, mulakaat ho na ho…..lag ja gale. Suddenly I paused for a second and noticed myself. The heart beat was different, steadier and relaxed. I touched my eyes and found them moist. Peeped into my soul and it felt lighter. I thought of a new born baby, naked, no-grudge, light, peaceful, untouched, blissful. I wanted to be the same again. I heard the song again, felt even lighter. Found my connection back with myself. The main battle lies within, the fight is with your own self and not with the outside world. Fortunately, I could find my grounds again. I am back. The new born baby, the Clean Slate.

V R Bhardwaj

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